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[12 Jun 2012|05:35pm] |
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[11 Apr 2009|02:30pm] |
The past ten months have been a journey of one first after another. First not for me because I have lived all of these moments before in front of my own mother. Moments I may not remember, but I know that she does. She pulls out the baby book and the photo albums every chance that she gets, even to this day. She did this not long after I told her I was pregnant. If anyone knew how much I longed to be a mother, it was my own mother, and she was the first person I told. Yes, I'm a momma's girl, and I have no shame in admitting that. She is still the first person I tell everything to. Every happy moment, every single heart break over the years, my mother has heard about it all before the world did.
All those first moments over the last ten months are not mine, but they belong to this tiny little girl I was lucky enough to be able to bring into this world. As the youngest in a family full of children, an Aunt to one beautiful little boy, and now a mom, I have been surrounded by children in one way or another all of my life. Being a mom was just something I knew I wanted to do. I didn't know when. Years ago, I knew I wasn't ready for it. I knew I didn't have the time and the commitment needed to put everything into being a mom I possibly could.
I knew that time would come eventually, and even with my career still in motion as it is now, I have thought of giving it all up and just focusing on my personal life. Some might say that is crazy. In fact, I have had some sit down with me and tell me just that. Here I am at the age of twenty-seven, and I thought of retirement. This is something people don't even think about util they reach their fifties and sixties, but I am fortunate enough that I can think about it, and really give it some thought. There is nothing in my life more important than Honor Marie. I went back to work, and the only way I did that willingly was the fact I could bring her on set with me.
I know even with the fact I could retire, have thought about it, and have wanted to do it, I know I can't fully give up my career. I would go stir crazy to be quite honest. Nothing to do will do that to me, and that is why I'm preparing once again to go on another set. This time my career will take me to New Mexico and Oklahoma for a new movie, The Killer Inside Me. There were problems with the production. The movie even lost funding, but the project found new funding, and things seem to finally be moving forward. Back to work, I go. I've always been a workaholic. I remember a time a couple of years ago where I went seven straight months, bouncing from location to location, and production to production. Tiring, yes. Did I complain? Not a single time. I loved it. There were times in the past that I'd rather be at work than do anything else in my life. Long hours, sleepless nights on set, all of it was fine with me. More than fine.
Now my sleepless nights are spent doing other things. I've always been a bit of an insomniac, and not even motherhood has changed that for me. There are some things about a person that just won't change at all over time. Little things that make a person who they are. I'm a perfectionist. Everything has to be just so in my life, and now everything has to be just so because it isn't just me all of this affects anymore. There is someone else, a little someone else who is looking to me for everything right now. The first we're experiencing at the moment is Easter. We've been through Christmas already. We had the tree with the number of gifts piled beneath it, too many to count. Dinner spent with family and friends. A visit to Santa with a picture as proof that it happened because there is little chance of Honor remembering any of the moments from this first year.
There might be glimpses of it in her mind, but the pictures I have taken over the past ten months, and the ones I will take in the months ahead will show as proof that every single moment happened. I can sit down with her at some point down the road and remind her of them. She then can share those moments with her own child someday. It is one neve rending cycle when you really think about it. I know all I want to do is make every moment as special as I can. In just a few months, she'll be one, and time seems to go by so quickly. I don't want to miss a single thing. Not one. Happy Easter, everyone.
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